I’ve decided to run for Undisputed Benevolent Ruler of Earth (BRE) and I need YOUR VOTE! This is not as decision I have taken lightly, but after years of soul-searching, it has become clear to me that there are some things- difficult, tough things, that no one else has the courage to tackle. So, here are my promises to you in exchange for your support.
1. My first act will be to make it mandatory that ALL smartphones use the SAME charging plugs. No more searching the airport for an unwary traveler who happens to have your brand. Under my Charging Democracy plan, you won’t have to buy 27 adapters just to stay in touch.
2. I will immediately repeal all laws preventing you from reasonably using your electronics (“that’s ANYTHING with an on-off switch”) on airplanes. The phrases “for your own safety” and “FAA regulation” when used in an attempt to bully an airline passenger into turning off the phone will be a felony and punishable by immediate confinement in a facility that plays “The Greatest Disco Hits of the 70’s” 24 hours a day and serves only turnips and Major Greys Chutney on stale Ritz crackers.
3. All razors will be able to use all razor blades and no fewer than 5 blades will be permitted per cartridge.
4. Every computing device will be required to have a wireless connection that is 100% flawless under all conditions and no devices will be permitted without USB ports. Ever.
5. Nutritional labeling will be simplified. Every package will have a FAT-O-METER graphic and will show the likelihood, based on your age, of you getting fat from eating the product- the WHOLE product, not 2.603 OUNCES of the product. This will be determined by SCIENTISTS, not “nutritional consultants” and the scientists will be paid a handsome salary so that they can’t be bribed. This same protocol will apply to climate change, air and water quality, evolution and pharmaceuticals.
6. You will be limited to posting pictures of random cute cats and dogs on social media sites to 3 times per year. No limit to pics of your OWN dog.
7. Use of the phrases “Just Sayin…”, “Whatever”, and “Awkward” by anyone over 12 will require mandatory attendance at Mrs. Bixler’s Old School English Academy until such time she is satisfied that you have regained use of a known language. This also applies if you don’t know the difference between “they’re, their and there”, if you fail to put the first “R” in the word “infrastructure” and if you describe what happens in the middle of an atom as “new-Kyou-ler”.
8. Restaurants that serve “deli foods” (i.e. sandwiches, etc.) will ALWAYS be required by law to provide a pickle. “A Pickle” shall NOT mean something called a “sweet” or “bread-and-butter-pickle”. It shall mean a PICKLE: dill and tangy, preferably from a large jar with a brand name like “Schlotzburg”.
9. Football will no longer have a “season”.
10. To use the label “music”, a sonic product must have been created by a living being performing vocally and/or by use of an instrument designed to create music. All such sonic products created only by using sampling, record stretching and other similar techniques will be required to label themselves as “digic”. Use of autotune past a setting of 50% will be punished as in item 2.
My fellow citizens of the world, as draconian as these platform planks may sound, I know that you will agree that we’ve sunk far since we invented agriculture and started building fences. It is my fervent hope that by instituting a benevolent planetary dictatorship, I can help restore some semblance of balance. So remember at the polls: “Bob for BRE because Life oughta be more dang reliable”.